South Africa in "totally excellent" state thanks to Jacob Zuma, admits Sock-Puppet of Thabo Mbeki in State of the Nation Speech

Thanks to the visionary leadership, flawless moral principles, and universal popularity of ANC President Jacob Zuma, South Africa is in a "totally excellent" state at the moment, a sock-puppet of State President Thabo Mbeki told a special sitting of Parliament in Cape Town today.
Speaking in Jacob Zuma's accent, with Jacob Zuma's fingers making his lips move inside the sock, the sock-puppet of the State President delivered his traditional State of the Nation address to rapturous applause from Jacob Zuma supporters, as well as Thabo Mbeki supporters worried about not having a job when Zuma starts running the country.
While the sock-puppet of President Mbeki acknowledged that the nation was currently experiencing an electricity crisis, a water crisis, a stock market crisis, an investment crisis, a leadership crisis, a security crisis and a business confidence crisis, he quickly added: "It's all my fault, because none of it would have happened if I hadn't fired Jacob Zuma from his post as deputy president, or spent so much time researching stuff on the Internet instead of singing Umshini Wam."
The sock-puppet of the State President then launched into a rousing version of Umshini Wam, before tendering his resignation as State President and inviting Jacob Zuma to get up from under the table and take his place.

Forget generators. Forget solar power. I'm switching to Static Electricity

If you've ever walked across a carpeted floor before touching a metal doorknob, or pulled a cashmere sweater over your head, or rubbed a pet cat the wrong way, you will know that static electricity is one of the most powerful sources of natural energy known to man, not to mention cat.
Static electricity is caused by an imbalance in the positive and negative charges of the ions and electrons that...hey, who cares? The point is, it's electricity, and right now, we need as much of the stuff as we can get.
Because static electricity is so easy to generate in the home environment, providing you have access to a carpet, doorknob, cashmere sweater or cat, it is widely regarded as an alternative to other alternative sources of electrical energy, such as solar panels, wind-power, biofuels, or emigration to Australia.
In fact, as far back as 1998, Eskom presented a White Paper on Static Electricity to the South African Government, but it was unfortunately rejected because it was just a piece of white paper with nothing on it.
Despite this setback, Eskom's "power crisis" team has been hard at work experimenting with static electricity as a possible solution to load-shedding. Just this week, scientists at Megawatt Park managed to harness enough static electricity to power a small pop-up toaster, simply by repeatedly petting a cat in the laboratory.
As soon as they figure out where to plug the toaster in, they should be ready to roll-out millions of nano-watts of static electricity to households and businesses across our power-hungry nation.

Calling all Eskom stakeholders! Grab your stake and let's march on Megawatt Park

From a letter to Eskom staff, by Chief Executive Officer Jacob Maroga:
"We are undoubtedly experiencing one of our most difficult periods in Eskom's recent history, as power supply interruptions reach a level that are unprecedented in South Africa.
"As you have heard, the National Response Plan has been announced. In order to implement this plan we need to further intensify and accelerate our performance on demand and supply-side management by bringing critical plant back to service, managing primary energy, reducing demand and improving on communication with all stakeholders - including yourselves."
What the heck is he talking about? Never mind. The fact is, we are all Eskom stakeholders. So grab hold of your stake, just like they do in the vampire movies, and let's march on Megawatt Park, where we can all take turns to plunge our sharpened implements right into the heart of that big computer they use to control the load-shedding.
It won't make the slightest bit of difference, of course, but at least it will make us feel a little better.

Ten Good Reasons Why We're Probably Going to Get Through This Stupid Crisis

Okay. Seriously, now. If negative energy was electricity, we wouldn't be having an electricity crisis. We'd be powering our homes and offices on all the bitching and moaning and whining, with enough left over to electrify a small developing nation to the north of us.
Honestly, if I hear just one more person saying that we're becoming another Zimbabwe, or that the World Cup should go to the Aussies, or that at least the lights worked when PW Botha was in charge, I swear I'm going to sit right down and draw up a list of Ten Good Reasons Why We're Probably Going to Get Through This Stupid Crisis. Okay, you asked for it:
1) People are sitting around boardroom tables right now, swigging glasses of Klipdrift and figuring out ways to get us out of of this mess. It worked in 1994, so why shouldn't it work now?
2) This country was built by people who didn't have electricity. Following which, hundreds of years later, this country was liberated by people who didn't have electricity. (Look, if we ever run out of charcoal briquettes and firelighters, that's when you really need to start worrying.)
3) Even while parts of the country are in darkness, other parts of the country are ablaze with light. That means something must be working, even if it's only the computer that governs the load-shedding.
4) Nothing brings South Africans together like a common hatred of their elected officials. If we do manage to get through this, it'll be in spite of the politicians, not because of them.
5) Practically speaking, South Africa has as much chance of becoming another Zimbabwe, as Zimbabwe has of becoming another South Africa. And if that does happen, we can always just move to Zimbabwe.
6) The 2010 FIFA World Cup is a big dazzling beacon of light that reminds us how much is at stake and why we need to get things working again. Just wait and see - it's going to be the best damn thing to happen to South Africa since, well, the Rugby World Cup, and if you don't believe that, you're probably an Australian.
7) 'n Boer maak 'n plan. But a Boer and a Darkie working together - man, that's what makes the plan work.
8) Alles sal regkom.
9) Failing which, Allesverloren. Their 1996 Shiraz is a particularly impressive vintage, and you don't need a working refrigerator to enjoy a good bottle of red.
10) The vast majority of South Africans are good and decent people who live in hope. But you know something else? They work there, too.
Okay, that's enough positive energy for one day. I'm going to bed, so I can get up nice and early to continue my whining.

Eskom wants you to watch your neighbour having a bath

If you had been paying attention during Mineral & Energy Affairs Minister Buyelwa Sonjica's "handy hints" presentation to Parliament last week, you will remember that one of her handiest hints was that you should shower instead of having a bath, proving once again that Jacob Zuma knew what he was talking about.
But if you are doing your patriotic duty by having a freezing cold shower because the geyser has been switched off, how do you know that your neighbour isn't luxuriating in a warm and soapy bath, filled right to the brim? That's where you come in.
As part of its campaign to save electricity and the jobs of its senior executives, Eskom has urged South Africans to report suspected abuse of our most precious natural resource.
With power rationing about to be introduced soon, the electricity utility will be sending inspectors around to our homes, to check that we aren't exceeding our daily quota.
So make sure that your neighbours aren't boiling the kettle, watching TV, running the dishwasher or logging onto the Internet, especially if they are in the habit of doing these things while having a bath.

Eskom calls on bloggers to stop using up all the nation's electricity

In the clearest signal yet that the electricity crisis in South Africa is reaching crisis proportions, Eskom has called on Internet bloggers to cut down drastically on the amount of electricity they are using to blog about the electricity crisis in South Africa.
Citing new research that shows that up to 95 percent of all "hot" and "new" posts on South African blogs are about power outages, Government incompetence, and load-shedding, with the remaining five percent not being able to be posted because of power outages, Government incompetence, and load-shedding, Eskom has accused bloggers of draining the nation's energy reserves by using power that could be diverted for other strategic purposes, such as mining the coal needed to generate enough electricity to build a bunch of new power stations.
While acknowledging that computers use significantly less energy than, say, a dishwasher or flat-panel television screen, an Eskom spokesman claimed that the sheer scale of blogging in the last two to three weeks has pushed demand to unprecedented levels.
Even bloggers who use battery-operated laptops have been accused of contributing to the problem, since their laptop batteries could be better deployed by Eskom executives who need to go online to check their bank accounts and order themselves a new dishwasher or flat-panel television screen.
Warning that strict rationing of computer time may soon be on the cards, Eskom's spokesman appealed to bloggers to restrict their blogging to matters of national urgency, such as posting an English comment on Steve Hofmeyer's blog, obsessively checking their amatomu.com rankings, or uploading a cellphone photograph showing what they had for breakfast this morning.

Celine Dion to donate all the electricity from her forthcoming concert to needy South Africans

In a selfless gesture that is certain to cement her reputation as one of the world's loudest singers of contemporary pop ballads, the Canadian superstar Celine Dion has announced that she will be donating all the electricity from her forthcoming Johannesburg concert to the national electricity grid.
Moved by the plight of millions of electrically-disadvantaged South Africans, who have been advised by Government Ministers to turn off their lights and go to bed early, Ms Dion said she would not use a microphone at all during her concert, which will feature a selection of her best-known hits, including the blockbuster theme from Titanic, "My Heart Will Go On and On and On and On and On and On and On".
Ms Dion's 42-piece backing band will also not plug in their instruments for the duration of the show, but since no-one has ever been able to hear them over her relentlessly histrionic vocals, the overall sound of her performance is not expected to be adversely affected in any way.
Ms Dion will perform in complete darkness during the concert, except for the flickering flames of thousands of Bic lighters and paraffin lamps held aloft by her adoring fans.
Her gesture, the first of its kind by a major touring pop star, will bring some much-needed respite to home-owners in the vicinity of the concert venue, allowing them to run their washing-machines, boil some water for tea, and turn up the volume on their TV sets in a desperate bid to drown out the sound of Celine Dion's interminably blaring voice.
The show is scheduled to go on and on and on and on and on and on and on at the Northgate Dome on February 14.

Five Thought-Provoking Electricity Quotations

1) "If it weren't for electricity, we'd all be watching television by candlelight."
George Gobel
2) "I shall make electricity so cheap, that only the rich will be able to afford to burn candles."
Thomas Alva Edison
3) "Electricity is really just organised lightning."
George Carlin
4) There are two great unknown forces today, electricity and woman, but men can reckon much better on electricity than they can on woman."
Josephine Henry
5) "To supply and install 6000w petrol generator for household use, R9,750, excluding labour and VAT."
Frank the Electrician

Nationwide Load-Shedding scheduled for tonight at 7pm on SABC1

Would all South Africans please note that the national electricity supply will be cut off between 7pm and approximately 9.30pm on SABC1, in order to spare us the embarrassment of having to watch yet another shocking display of football from Bafana Bafana as they take on Senegal in the African Nations Cup.

If you have DSTV, you will also be able to avoid watching the game on Supersport 3. Thank you for your understanding and co-operation.

"Load-Schlepping"

v. The act of driving around from suburb to suburb, across the Eskom electricity grid, in the hope of coming across at least one neighbourhood where the traffic lights are working and you can nurse a few cappucinos until the power comes back on at home.

Goodnight, Minister

Benjamin Franklin. What a guy. Not only he did he put his quill to the American Constitution, not only did he serve his nation with wisdom, fortitude, and dignity, but he also just happened to discover electricity while flying his kite in a thunderstorm one night. (Note: do not try this at home.)

We could use a guy like Benjamin in South Africa right now, but instead, all we’ve got is Alec Erwin, Eskom, and Buyelwa Sonjica. If you haven’t heard of her, that’s not surprising, for she is South Africa’s Minister of Minerals and Energy, and since there isn’t enough energy to mine minerals at the moment, she’s been having a pretty quiet time in office.

Until today, whe she rose in Parliament to offer her apologies for the Minerals and Energy crisis, and to hand out a series of power-saving tips aimed at the populace at large. Here’s the most important one: “Go to bed earlier.”

Even Benjamin Franklin himself would have agreed that this is sage advice, for it was was he who once proclaimed: “Early to bed, and early to rise, makes a man healthy, wealthy, and wise.”

So goodnight, everyone, and see you more or less around lunchtime. Thanks goodness the Minister didn’t say anything about getting up earlier too.

At last, a note of cautious optimism in the media’s reporting on electricity matters.

Jacob Zuma, an unintended consequence of democracy

I’m beginning to get the feeling that Jacob Zuma is going to be a really fun President of the country. I mean, he’s already turning out to be such a fun President of the ANC.

The first month of the year isn’t even over, and already he’s taken himself another wife, organised a big bash for Mike Tyson, and come up with the best excuse for abject failure ever to emerge from the mouth of a politician.

Speaking at the University of Zurich this week, the President-in-waiting revealed that the current power crisis in South Africa was an “unintended consequence” of our rapid economic growth since the dawn of democracy in 1994.

In other words, we’ve been doing so well, that you can hardly blame us for screwing up. I am so going to use this the next time I do something stupid after inadvertently doing something smart.

It is better to light a candle than to open the curtains

So you think we’ve got problems with power because of the people we’ve got in power?

Pause for a moment to consider the plight of the Palestinian people, victims of a ruthless and relentless power blockade by the Israeli Government.

As this Reuters photograph shows, the Palestinian Parliament is being forced to convene by candle-light because of the power cuts.

You may wonder, then, why they don’t just convene in the day, to which the answer can only be: well, actually, they are convening in the day. That’s why the curtains are closed, and that’s why the sunshine is trying to force its way in.

It’s all some sort of symbolic protest, which is fine when you figure it out, but still: closed curtains are a known fire hazard when there are candles flickering all over the place.

Which is why, if you’re looking for a special spot to get away from the power cuts for a while, you might not want to schlepp to Gaza either.

Oh, no! A major global sporting event is under threat because of a shortage of electricity!

Relax. It’s not the 2010 FIFA Football World Cup. Or at least, it’s not only the 2010 FIFA Football World Cup.

It seems that the people in charge of the national electricity supply in the United Kingdom, a well-known “First World” country, have seriously understimated the demand for power over the next few years, and there could be a major shortfall around 2012, which is when the 30th Olympic Games are scheduled to be held in London.

This according to a report by Inenco, an energy and environment consulting firm. Ha! Ha! I feel much better now.

Not that I want to gloat or anything, but you have to admit that a series of rolling blackouts in the English capital will at least have one hugely positive side-effect - you won’t be able to see the horrendous dayglo logo pictured alongside.

Sorry to disappoint you, but it looks as if load-shedding isn't a South African invention after all

Power outages that last for hours at a time. Clogged freeways and broken traffic lights. Eerily darkened malls, idle factories, candles flickering in the corridors.

A nation struggling to overcome its legacy of social upheaval, and rise to claim its place as one of the great emerging nations of the world. We’re talking about South Africa, right? Wrong.

Well, okay, right, but bear with me for a moment, because what I’m really talking about here is one of the world’s fastest-growing and most populous nations…India.

Rigidly-enforced load-shedding has long been an everyday feature of life on the subcontinent, and the critical electricity shortage is only getting worse as the economy grows.

But despite the problems, India still manages to produce more movies than Hollywood, run most of the world’s high-tech call-centres, and manufacture some of the most unattractive cars and trucks known to man. Why am I telling you this? I’m not sure.

Maybe because it’s somehow nice to know that we’re not the only country in the world with a national electricity emergency on our hands.

But mostly it’s to warn you that if you’re thinking of heading somewhere special for a quick holiday break from the power cuts at home, New Delhi might not be such a good idea after all.

Meet South Africa's new Minister of Public Enterprises

I wish.

Let's all put our clocks back 10 years after the next power failure

You know what I’m going to do as soon as the power comes back on after the next big power failure? That’s right, I’m going to make myself a nice cup of tea.

But immediately after that, as is my custom, I’m going to wander round the house and re-set all the digital clocks from 00:00 to whatever the time happens to be when I hear the signal.

Unless it is actually midnight, of course, in which case I’ll probably just put a pillow over the clock and go back to sleep. But wait. What if, after the next big power failure, we were to all put our clocks back exactly 10 years?

That would take us all the way back to 1998, which is when President Thabo Mbeki was warned, by means of the White Paper on Electric Energy, that if Government did not make the necessary investments in electricity infrastructure, we would have a national electricity emergency on our hands by 2008, and even worse, he would have to look down at his shoes and mutter the “S-word” in front of the whole nation.

Well, I for one am prepared to give it a try, if only because it is a much more practical and positive solution than anything Alec Erwin has so far been able to come up with.

Could the humble lemon hold the answer to South Africa's national electricity crisis?

Wind, water, sunshine, manure. Everywhere you look these days, there is an alternative energy source ready for the picking. (You pick the manure, thanks, I’ll take care of the sunshine.)

And yet, you hardly ever hear anyone talking about one of the most abundant and fresh-smelling sources of renewable energy on the planet. That’s right, I’m talking about lemons.

Not many people know that lemons are capable of transforming chemical energy into electrical energy, through a process known as “lemontricity”, according to a word I just made up. But don’t take my word for it.

You can prove it for yourself, by conducting a simple experiment with a lemon, a nail, and a copper coin.

Unfortunately, as you will discover, a lemon is capable of producing no more than about seven-tenths of a volt of electricity, so you will need quite a lot of lemons to power the average household.

So in answer to the question in the headline above: sorry, no. Still, there can be no harm in hoarding a few lemons until the electricity crisis is over.

You can always use them to make lemon meringue pie on your gas stove, or even better, you can throw them at Alec Erwin when he knocks on your door to tell you to switch your lights off.

Please don't steal the street lights, they're not working at the moment. Thank you.

Well, okay, there probably isn’t much point stealing electrical cable at the moment, either. From today’s IOL:

Two held for theft of street lights

Two men have been arrested for possession of aluminium street lights worth over R20 000 in East London, police said on Sunday.

Spokesperson Superintendent Mtai Tana said a member of the dog unit, Inspector Pieter Swanepoel spotted four men near a Honda Ballade at a railway crossing at Quigney - a suburb in East London.

“One was standing next to the driver’s door and three men were on the far other side of the vehicle. Two doors were open and each of the three had an aluminium street light head in his hand. On coming close, the policeman found that the back seat was full of more aluminium light heads.”

I'm going to put some of my spare electricity in a can and sell it on eBay

Ebay, the global online auction site that is spelled with a small “e”, except at the beginning of a sentence, is a great place to sell anything from a toothpick to an iPod to a former independent homeland.

But can you go onto eBay and buy yourself some electricity, to power your stove, toaster, desktop computer or electric lawnmower in the event of a national electricity emergency? Shockingly, the answer is no. Until now. Well, okay, just now.

This is because I have had the brilliant idea of putting some of my spare electricity in a can, and selling it to the highest bidder on eBay. (It is a well-known fact that almost everyone bidding on eBay is under the influence of some or other hallucinogenic drug.)

All I have to do is take an empty can, hold it over a plug-point, turn the power on for a while, switch it off, put a lid on the can, write ELECTRICITY on the outside, take a photograph of it, upload it to eBay, and wait.

Payment in American $$$ only, please. Free shipping to South Africa, with small discount for bona fide Eskom employees.

"Load Rage"

n. A feeling of steaming, seething, festering, simmering, bubbling, blistering, fang-baring, fist-clenching, teeth-gritting, head-pounding, wall-punching, cat-kicking, desk-biting, vein-popping, vase-throwing, name-yelling, face-reddening fury brought on by the knowledge that there isn’t a single thing you can do about the power cuts except take a deep breath and pour yourself another shot of Klippies in the dark. Thank you, I feel much better now.

The lights are off and nobody's home: the Native Brilliance of Alec Erwin

Alec Erwin, South Africa’s Minister of National Embarrassment and Public Calamities, is best known for saying that someone had sabotaged the Koeberg Power Plant by throwing a bolt into the one of the generators, and then saying that, actually, he had never said that at all.

Now he’s back from his Christmas holidays, to tell us that we are in the midst of a national electricity emergency, and that we had better switch off our lights when we are not using them.

Thank you Minister, that is excellent advice. I for one will certainly be switching my lights off, as soon as the power comes back on for long enough for me to turn them on in the first place. Hey, what’s this bolt doing in my fuse-box?

5 things you don't want to be doing when the power goes off

1) Having the other half of your hair shorn off with an electric razor

2) Scissor-kicking into the air to play your guitar solo during your audition for “Heavy Metal Idols”

3) Announcing live on national television that the electricity crisis is over at last, and that South Africans can once again look forward to a bright and prosperous future

4) Breaking into your jogging stride on the treadmill at Virgin Active

5) Updating your blo

What's the difference between an Eskimo and an Eskom Ou?

Answer: an Eskimo is someone who lives in the vast frozen wastes of the circumpolar region, stretching from eastern Siberia to Alaska to Greenland.

An Eskom Ou, on the other hand, is someone who currently wishes he lived in the vast frozen wastes of the circumpolar region, stretching from eastern Siberia to Alaska to Greenland.

An Eskimo.......................An Eskom CEO

Okay, but where do I find the On & Off switch?

Did you know that the human body, among all its other marvels, is capable of generating its own electric current? Well, it’s true.

Unfortunately, the total amount of electricity that our cells can produce is only enough to light a single 40-watt light bulb.

Still, that’s more than you’re going to get from Eskom on pretty much any day of the week. So go ahead and turn yourself on. Remember, you’ve got the power!

Please would someone give that poor oke in the Prius a push

A Prius, for those of you who don’t know your Toyotas, is a highly advanced and sophisticated vehicle that is typically driven by the kind of person who wouldn’t in a million years admit to driving a Toyota.

In that way, it is similar to a Lexus, except that you don’t need to plug your Lexus into the wall before you go to bed every night.

So next time you see a Prius stuck in the traffic while you’re stuck in the traffic, it would be nice if you could hop out and give the poor oke a push.

After all, it’s not their fault that the power cut out while they were charging their vehicle, or that they didn’t go with their instincts and buy the Tata Indica instead.

Ahem: It has just been pointed out to me by Google that a Prius doesn’t actually need to be plugged into the wall in order to get its electricity. Instead, the car apparently charges itself while you drive, in more or less the same manner as one of those wind-up torches or radios that are frequently touted as the best South African inventions since the Kreepy-Krauly. Damn. I hate it when my misperceptions are corrected by some stupid Internet site.

Please don't forget to drive a stake through the heart of your computer before going to bed for the night

Did you know that when your computer is in “standby” or “sleep” mode, it consumes almost as much electricity as it does when you are hard at work playing Solitaire? Well, it’s true.

Standby power is also known as “Vampire Power”, on account of the way it “sucks” the “lifeblood” out of your electrical appliances, and also because it sounds a little scarier when you are trying to convince someone to mend their wasteful ways.

So please remember to switch your computer off at the wall before you go to bed for the night. To be extra sure, you may want to drive a wooden stake through your computer’s Power Supply, or rub a little crushed garlic on the motherboard.

Remember, if enough of us this do this on a regular basis, we should be able to save enough electricty to allow Eskom to continue running the big load-shedding computer that decides which of us are going to be without electricity in the morning.

And now, if you’ll excuse me, I have an urgent game of Solitaire I need to return to.

Would the last person to leave the country, please switch off the billboard.

In a move sure to be welcomed by all football-loving South Africans, two new multinational sponsors were today announced for the 2010 FIFA World Cup.

2010 World Cup electricity appeal - please give generously

With only 870 days to go before the start of the 2010 FIFA World Cup (please subtract one day for each day you are reading this after the day I wrote it), fears are growing that South Africa’s already overburdened electricity grid will not be able to cope with the massive demands of this spectacular global sporting event.

As a worst-case scenario, some pundits are even suggesting that the power shortage could mean that Bafana Bafana will have to play their World Cup final match against Brazil while completely in the dark.

Then again, this will perfectly suit the typical South African style of play, so it may not be such a bad thing after all.

But the point is that South Africa desperately needs backup reserves of electricity to ensure a successful World Cup, which is why I would like to suggest that we all start donating some of our surplus electricity to the organisers, beginning right now.

To get the ball rolling, I am going to be donating the 30 minutes worth of electricity that I would have used to watch “Coconuts” on M-Net last night, as well as the five minutes of electricity I would have used to boil the kettle to make a cup of tea to throw at the screen while watching “Cocounts” on M-Net last night.

So let’s all work together to save some of the energy we have left between load-shedding schedules, and then let’s put it all in a big vat and send it to Danny Jordaan in time for 2010.

Remember, the fate of the first football World Cup to be held on the African continent is in YOUR hands!

When driving at night, please treat all robots as four-way...aaarrrghhh

I know I shouldn’t admit this in company, but the truth is, I have always been a little robophobic. When the robot is GREEN, I break into a sweat because that means the robot is RED for people coming from the other direction, and in South Africa, RED is generally understood to mean GREEN.

When the robot is ORANGE, I break into a sweat because I am never sure whether I am supposed to exercise caution, or proceed at great speed like all the drivers in my rear-view mirror.

And when the robot is RED, I break into a sweat because (see “When the robot is GREEN, above). It is for all these reasons, and more, that I am concerned to learn that solar-powered robots will soon be installed at major traffic intersections across the country.

In theory, this means that traffic will be able to move smoothly during a power cut, allowing everyone to get home in good time to complain about the power cut at home.

But in practise, how are we going to be able to drive around at night? I think the Government needs to take an urgent look at the situation, and start ordering some lunar-powered robots as well.

A short list of people who are rather pleased about the power failures

1) The manufacturers and suppliers of those portable fluorescent tubes that have to be plugged into a power point for up to eight hours, before you can use them to light the way as you search for a power point into which to plug them.

2) Those guys who hawk DVDs and coat-hangers at traffic intersections, who now have a captive audience for several hours whenever the traffic lights stop working.

3) Telkom, who are now only the second most-despised parastatal in the southern hemisphere.

How many Eskom technicians does it to take to change a light bulb?

None. They’re all too busy sitting in front of a giant computer screen, roaring with laughter as they decide which parts of the country should be without power at which times on which days of the week.

So here is a handy guide to changing a lightbulb all by yourself. It has been slightly adapted from the actual guide that I found on http://www.eskom.co.za/live/content.php?Category_ID=566 in a rare moment between loads being shed.

How to Change a Light Bulb During Load-Shedding

1) Make sure that the light bulb actually needs to be changed. Often, the light bulb will be fine, in which case you may need to change the Board of Directors of Eskom and the Government instead.

2) Determine whether the light bulb is a screw-in or a bayonet type. If it is a bayonet, remember that you can use it to keep intruders at bay when they break into your property during the load-shedding.

3) Make sure that your household power is completely off before you change the light bulb. The best way to do this is to make sure that you live within the boundaries of the Republic of South Africa, and that your electricity is supplied by Eskom.

4) When attempting to change a light bulb at night, always carry a torch with you. This will allow you to find your way to the kitchen, where you will find a candle and a box of matches in the second drawer on the right. No, not that cupboard, the other one. Good. Now light the candle and look in the third drawer on the left, where you will find a couple of penlite batteries for the torch.

5) When attempting to change a light bulb during the day, it is advisable to use a solar-powered torch.

"Scheddingfreude"

n. A secret feeling of delight one gets upon discovering that the load-shedding schedule for today will be affecting the residents of Sandton, Benmore, and Hyde Park, rather than the much more humble suburb that you call home.

A modest proposal to alleviate the load-shedding crisis

I have a modest proposal that could go a long way towards salvaging the South African economy, and ensuring that the opening ceremony of the 2010 FIFA World Cup does not consist of several thousand people holding candles on the field while singing “My African Dream”.

My suggestion is that Eskom stops supplying electrical power to the city of Cape Town, and diverts it to areas of the country where it is needed for work reasons, such as Johannesburg.

After all, you don’t need electricity to spend all day lying on the beach, or cycling down Chapman’s Peak with your eyes closed.

Yes, there is a light at the end of the tunnel

Unfortunately, it’s the light of a burning train. It seems that a bunch of angry commuters in Pretoria set fire to some trains that had come to a grinding halt because of the power cuts.

Still, at least no-one has set the Gautrain on fire yet. That’s probably because work on the Gautrain has come to a grinding halt because of the power cuts.

Next time, take the Wi-Fi car

If you have ever ridden the cable car to the top of Table Mountain, you will know that the one thing that goes through your mind is whether or not you are going to be riding the cable car back to the bottom of Table Mountain.

After all, anything can happen: the cable can snap, the floor can give way under the weight of German tourists, or the roof can give in when Leon Schuster leaps aboard while filming a scene from “Mama Jack”.

However, at least you can rest assured that you won’t be left dangling in mid-air, hundreds of metres above the ground, in strong south-easterly winds, when the cable car comes to a grinding halt as a result of a sudden power…oh.

Still, it could have been worse. At least the cable car wasn’t hijacked when it ran out of power.

Why We Are Powerless

Okay, here’s my theory. I believe that the chief cause of the current power crisis in South Africa, is the current power crisis in South Africa.

The battle for political power between the Zuma and Mbeki camps of the ruling ANC has had the effect of sucking the life out of every other power source in the country.

Hence, we are experiencing a power vacuum in both senses of the word. The solution? A battery-operated vacuum. That would be nice.

I wish they wouldn't call it Load-Shedding

It’s not that I object to the so-called euphemism, because, to be fair, “load shedding” is a more technically accurate description of the phenomenon than the somewhat pejorative “power failure”.

A power failure is something that happens when the power fails, for whatever reason. Load-shedding is what happens when the power is deliberately cut off, as a strategic means of conserving electrical power.

It’s just that whenever I see or hear the term “load-shedding”, I can’t help but think of, you know, um, ah, someone going to the toilet. And then I think, yes, but isn’t that exactly what’s happening to the country, as a result of all the load-shedding?

I didn’t say that.

"Eskommunication"

n. The act of having your electricity supply cut off by South Africa’s national utility company, Eskom, usually when you least expe