South Africa in "totally excellent" state thanks to Jacob Zuma, admits Sock-Puppet of Thabo Mbeki in State of the Nation Speech

Thanks to the visionary leadership, flawless moral principles, and universal popularity of ANC President Jacob Zuma, South Africa is in a "totally excellent" state at the moment, a sock-puppet of State President Thabo Mbeki told a special sitting of Parliament in Cape Town today.
Speaking in Jacob Zuma's accent, with Jacob Zuma's fingers making his lips move inside the sock, the sock-puppet of the State President delivered his traditional State of the Nation address to rapturous applause from Jacob Zuma supporters, as well as Thabo Mbeki supporters worried about not having a job when Zuma starts running the country.
While the sock-puppet of President Mbeki acknowledged that the nation was currently experiencing an electricity crisis, a water crisis, a stock market crisis, an investment crisis, a leadership crisis, a security crisis and a business confidence crisis, he quickly added: "It's all my fault, because none of it would have happened if I hadn't fired Jacob Zuma from his post as deputy president, or spent so much time researching stuff on the Internet instead of singing Umshini Wam."
The sock-puppet of the State President then launched into a rousing version of Umshini Wam, before tendering his resignation as State President and inviting Jacob Zuma to get up from under the table and take his place.

Forget generators. Forget solar power. I'm switching to Static Electricity

If you've ever walked across a carpeted floor before touching a metal doorknob, or pulled a cashmere sweater over your head, or rubbed a pet cat the wrong way, you will know that static electricity is one of the most powerful sources of natural energy known to man, not to mention cat.
Static electricity is caused by an imbalance in the positive and negative charges of the ions and electrons that...hey, who cares? The point is, it's electricity, and right now, we need as much of the stuff as we can get.
Because static electricity is so easy to generate in the home environment, providing you have access to a carpet, doorknob, cashmere sweater or cat, it is widely regarded as an alternative to other alternative sources of electrical energy, such as solar panels, wind-power, biofuels, or emigration to Australia.
In fact, as far back as 1998, Eskom presented a White Paper on Static Electricity to the South African Government, but it was unfortunately rejected because it was just a piece of white paper with nothing on it.
Despite this setback, Eskom's "power crisis" team has been hard at work experimenting with static electricity as a possible solution to load-shedding. Just this week, scientists at Megawatt Park managed to harness enough static electricity to power a small pop-up toaster, simply by repeatedly petting a cat in the laboratory.
As soon as they figure out where to plug the toaster in, they should be ready to roll-out millions of nano-watts of static electricity to households and businesses across our power-hungry nation.

Calling all Eskom stakeholders! Grab your stake and let's march on Megawatt Park

From a letter to Eskom staff, by Chief Executive Officer Jacob Maroga:
"We are undoubtedly experiencing one of our most difficult periods in Eskom's recent history, as power supply interruptions reach a level that are unprecedented in South Africa.
"As you have heard, the National Response Plan has been announced. In order to implement this plan we need to further intensify and accelerate our performance on demand and supply-side management by bringing critical plant back to service, managing primary energy, reducing demand and improving on communication with all stakeholders - including yourselves."
What the heck is he talking about? Never mind. The fact is, we are all Eskom stakeholders. So grab hold of your stake, just like they do in the vampire movies, and let's march on Megawatt Park, where we can all take turns to plunge our sharpened implements right into the heart of that big computer they use to control the load-shedding.
It won't make the slightest bit of difference, of course, but at least it will make us feel a little better.

Ten Good Reasons Why We're Probably Going to Get Through This Stupid Crisis

Okay. Seriously, now. If negative energy was electricity, we wouldn't be having an electricity crisis. We'd be powering our homes and offices on all the bitching and moaning and whining, with enough left over to electrify a small developing nation to the north of us.
Honestly, if I hear just one more person saying that we're becoming another Zimbabwe, or that the World Cup should go to the Aussies, or that at least the lights worked when PW Botha was in charge, I swear I'm going to sit right down and draw up a list of Ten Good Reasons Why We're Probably Going to Get Through This Stupid Crisis. Okay, you asked for it:
1) People are sitting around boardroom tables right now, swigging glasses of Klipdrift and figuring out ways to get us out of of this mess. It worked in 1994, so why shouldn't it work now?
2) This country was built by people who didn't have electricity. Following which, hundreds of years later, this country was liberated by people who didn't have electricity. (Look, if we ever run out of charcoal briquettes and firelighters, that's when you really need to start worrying.)
3) Even while parts of the country are in darkness, other parts of the country are ablaze with light. That means something must be working, even if it's only the computer that governs the load-shedding.
4) Nothing brings South Africans together like a common hatred of their elected officials. If we do manage to get through this, it'll be in spite of the politicians, not because of them.
5) Practically speaking, South Africa has as much chance of becoming another Zimbabwe, as Zimbabwe has of becoming another South Africa. And if that does happen, we can always just move to Zimbabwe.
6) The 2010 FIFA World Cup is a big dazzling beacon of light that reminds us how much is at stake and why we need to get things working again. Just wait and see - it's going to be the best damn thing to happen to South Africa since, well, the Rugby World Cup, and if you don't believe that, you're probably an Australian.
7) 'n Boer maak 'n plan. But a Boer and a Darkie working together - man, that's what makes the plan work.
8) Alles sal regkom.
9) Failing which, Allesverloren. Their 1996 Shiraz is a particularly impressive vintage, and you don't need a working refrigerator to enjoy a good bottle of red.
10) The vast majority of South Africans are good and decent people who live in hope. But you know something else? They work there, too.
Okay, that's enough positive energy for one day. I'm going to bed, so I can get up nice and early to continue my whining.

Eskom wants you to watch your neighbour having a bath

If you had been paying attention during Mineral & Energy Affairs Minister Buyelwa Sonjica's "handy hints" presentation to Parliament last week, you will remember that one of her handiest hints was that you should shower instead of having a bath, proving once again that Jacob Zuma knew what he was talking about.
But if you are doing your patriotic duty by having a freezing cold shower because the geyser has been switched off, how do you know that your neighbour isn't luxuriating in a warm and soapy bath, filled right to the brim? That's where you come in.
As part of its campaign to save electricity and the jobs of its senior executives, Eskom has urged South Africans to report suspected abuse of our most precious natural resource.
With power rationing about to be introduced soon, the electricity utility will be sending inspectors around to our homes, to check that we aren't exceeding our daily quota.
So make sure that your neighbours aren't boiling the kettle, watching TV, running the dishwasher or logging onto the Internet, especially if they are in the habit of doing these things while having a bath.

Eskom calls on bloggers to stop using up all the nation's electricity

In the clearest signal yet that the electricity crisis in South Africa is reaching crisis proportions, Eskom has called on Internet bloggers to cut down drastically on the amount of electricity they are using to blog about the electricity crisis in South Africa.
Citing new research that shows that up to 95 percent of all "hot" and "new" posts on South African blogs are about power outages, Government incompetence, and load-shedding, with the remaining five percent not being able to be posted because of power outages, Government incompetence, and load-shedding, Eskom has accused bloggers of draining the nation's energy reserves by using power that could be diverted for other strategic purposes, such as mining the coal needed to generate enough electricity to build a bunch of new power stations.
While acknowledging that computers use significantly less energy than, say, a dishwasher or flat-panel television screen, an Eskom spokesman claimed that the sheer scale of blogging in the last two to three weeks has pushed demand to unprecedented levels.
Even bloggers who use battery-operated laptops have been accused of contributing to the problem, since their laptop batteries could be better deployed by Eskom executives who need to go online to check their bank accounts and order themselves a new dishwasher or flat-panel television screen.
Warning that strict rationing of computer time may soon be on the cards, Eskom's spokesman appealed to bloggers to restrict their blogging to matters of national urgency, such as posting an English comment on Steve Hofmeyer's blog, obsessively checking their amatomu.com rankings, or uploading a cellphone photograph showing what they had for breakfast this morning.

Celine Dion to donate all the electricity from her forthcoming concert to needy South Africans

In a selfless gesture that is certain to cement her reputation as one of the world's loudest singers of contemporary pop ballads, the Canadian superstar Celine Dion has announced that she will be donating all the electricity from her forthcoming Johannesburg concert to the national electricity grid.
Moved by the plight of millions of electrically-disadvantaged South Africans, who have been advised by Government Ministers to turn off their lights and go to bed early, Ms Dion said she would not use a microphone at all during her concert, which will feature a selection of her best-known hits, including the blockbuster theme from Titanic, "My Heart Will Go On and On and On and On and On and On and On".
Ms Dion's 42-piece backing band will also not plug in their instruments for the duration of the show, but since no-one has ever been able to hear them over her relentlessly histrionic vocals, the overall sound of her performance is not expected to be adversely affected in any way.
Ms Dion will perform in complete darkness during the concert, except for the flickering flames of thousands of Bic lighters and paraffin lamps held aloft by her adoring fans.
Her gesture, the first of its kind by a major touring pop star, will bring some much-needed respite to home-owners in the vicinity of the concert venue, allowing them to run their washing-machines, boil some water for tea, and turn up the volume on their TV sets in a desperate bid to drown out the sound of Celine Dion's interminably blaring voice.
The show is scheduled to go on and on and on and on and on and on and on at the Northgate Dome on February 14.

Five Thought-Provoking Electricity Quotations

1) "If it weren't for electricity, we'd all be watching television by candlelight."
George Gobel
2) "I shall make electricity so cheap, that only the rich will be able to afford to burn candles."
Thomas Alva Edison
3) "Electricity is really just organised lightning."
George Carlin
4) There are two great unknown forces today, electricity and woman, but men can reckon much better on electricity than they can on woman."
Josephine Henry
5) "To supply and install 6000w petrol generator for household use, R9,750, excluding labour and VAT."
Frank the Electrician